Why were so many women attracted to the captain of the cruise ship? Because he had abundant sideburns, velour shorts and a tight tank top. Need I say more?

This year’s family reunion was an emotional event because Kyle was the first member of the family to graduate from college. Everyone had tears in their eyes when he walked into the room wearing really tight pants.

Everyone thought that a huge storm was coming but it was only uncle Ralph taking a bath.

The presenter at the business convention asked, “What’s the most interesting thing about being a business person?” A great silence followed the question as the room full of business people stared at each other without being able to come up with a meaningful answer. Then a voice came from the back saying, “Profits.” All was well again and then a ferocious lion burst into the room and ruined the whole thing.

What did one computer say to the other computer at the swap meet? You hard drive a bargain.

Excellent rock band name: The who left the cap off the toothpaste.

Three college guys go to a bar. The first one says, “I’m going to meet a cute girl tonight.” The second guy says, “I’m going to meet the woman of my dreams.” The third guy says, “I love turnips.”

What’s worse than falling on a cactus? My aunt Donna singing a song about cute babies.

What is more fun than a business convention? Moss. Also acceptable, gangrene.

Why did the restaurant not have very many customers? One word: Tuna ice cream sundaes.

The sinister vampire was driving around at night looking for his next victim. He saw a beautiful young woman and, as usual, his vampire van broke down causing him to have to call someone to tow him back to his castle.

Hot fashion tip: When wearing tight jeans, make sure you don’t ruin the look by stuffing things like a wrench or a trumpet in the back pockets.

While driving around in the countryside, Bob’s nerves were getting frazzled by all the raucous laughter coming from the back of the car, then he remembered he was giving some hyenas a ride.

Susan was the most popular girl in the whole high school. She was a cheerleader and an excellent student as well. More stories like this in my new book, Things That Are Much Worse Than Hitting Myself with a Hammer on the Head.

The advertising meeting with the car company executives was going smoothly until Harry revealed his “Now with More Delicious Corn Flavor” campaign.