Monumental moments in history: The momentous occasion when Thomas Jefferson finished writing the Declaration of Independence as well as a little tune about cats.

What did one dog say to the other dog when a cat walked by? I’m having problems with this crossword puzzle.

I was swimming in the ocean one fine summer day and an annoying porpoise kept trying to sell me an insurance policy. I had to politely decline many times. Besides, who has ever heard of or needed mackerel insurance? It was at that moment that a mackerel stole my swimsuit.

What’s more impressive than a weightlifter who can lift 500 pounds with one arm? A unicorn that refuses to eat its soup.

A handsome man walks into an expensive restaurant and greets his gorgeous wife who is seated at a table with a beautiful ocean view. The moral of the story: I don’t have a life like this.

The mighty Caesar stood outside his palace and surveyed the symbols of his wealthy and powerful empire. The majesty of the scene was somewhat diminished by the junk car in his front yard.

Be careful about asking a goose to join your rock band. They always insist on singing, playing guitar or both. Not to mention they want to write all the songs when everyone knows they’re best suited to play the trombone but won’t admit it. Then there’s all the honking.

What’s scarier than having a vampire following you down a dark street on a foggy night? The car seat covers my uncle Fred made out of beef jerky.

The renowned opera singer walked on stage, bowed to the audience, acknowledged the orchestra, took a deep breath, and began blow-drying his hair.

What’s better than a delicious sandwich? Forty-two million dollars plus another delicious sandwich.

What’s more classy than an elegant man in a impeccably tailored suit? Any poster featuring a saxophone and roses.

Kylie loved interior design, especially wonderful fabrics, lighting, and sad clown paintings.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Eel. Eel Who? Eel pizza delivery guy. How do I know you’re a real Eel? Look in the peephole. Oh yes, come right in.

A banker came up with a scheme that ripped off tens of thousands of investors. He thought nobody would find out but he was eventually caught and charged with insider trading. The moral of the story? You can dress up a cat in a lovely princess outfit.

I had this co-worker who was really cranky all the time and didn’t do much work. I finally had to say, “I love you mom but you’re fired.” Needless to say, we’re not dating any longer.