What’s the most advanced computer in the world? Not the one my uncle made out of an old popcorn machine.

I was kind of drunk at a bar and walked up to this cute girl and started talking to her. Suddenly she looked very uncomfortable and kind of grossed out. The moral of the story: Don’t go to a bar with your pet vulture on your shoulder who, inevitably, is going to pick his teeth and make weird noises when you’re trying to talk to someone.

What’s better than enjoying your favorite meal with people you love? Listening to a business guy talk about his job.

Why was the carpenter so upset? Nobody wood talk to him.

Gary was spending the night in a haunted house hoping he would see some kind of ghost. He fell asleep for a moment and was awakened by the horrifying supernatural sounds of smooth jazz.

Roger got really angry at the department store clerk, stormed out of the building, slipped on a taco, and fell into a plant. The moral of the story? It’s always a good idea to drink less booze before going to the mall.

What’s more pleasant than someone doing a happy dance? Stepping on molten lava.

What’s cuter than an adorably cute kitten? A cranky old guy getting frustrated while trying to play the harmonica.

Why was the wealthy woman so angry? They didn’t have the expensive makeup she was looking for at the high-end store. Also, someone had dared to interrupt her lunch to tell her she had run over some pedestrian.

The flashy magician appeared on stage through a cloud of smoke and dazzled everyone by having an argument with his mother who was seated in the front row.

Heartwarming memories of home: The time when we were all gathered for a holiday dinner and Aunt Marge had a few too many and started making out with the turkey, and by turkey I mean her husband, Uncle Turkey. I’m not kidding, his real name was Uncle, the turkey part was just because he looked like a turkey.

The Prime Minister of the Intergalactic Federation had just found out that the dreaded space squids were planning to conquer his battle-weary planet. He turned to his trusted advisors and said gravely, “I would like everyone to know that I seem to have misplaced my pants so, if you happen to see them, please kindly send them my way.”

A drunk guy walks into a post.

Bob had been having a weird pain in his neck when he moved his head a certain way. He went to the doctor, who examined him for quite some time, looked rather concerned, and then informed him in a serious voice that he had ring around the collar.

What’s worse than losing your wallet? A sneaky elf.