A guy walks into an electronics store and a TV falls on his hand. He’s very excited because his new pancake hand enables him to swim faster.

What’s the most popular name for a boy in the last five years? You guessed it: Squidton.

I was kind of drunk at a bar and walked up to this cute girl and started talking to her. Suddenly she looked very uncomfortable and kind of grossed out. The moral of the story: Don’t go to a bar with your pet vulture on your shoulder who, inevitably, is going to pick his teeth and make weird noises when you’re trying to talk to someone.

What’s scarier than walking in a graveyard at midnight and seeing a ghost? A lady who enjoys collecting dolls a little too much.

What did the famous fashion photographer say to the tiger during the photo shoot? You look fierce. Then the tiger ate him.

Why does my vacuum cleaner keep breaking down? It’s so simple when you know the answer, snakes.

What’s cuter than an adorable smiling baby? My uncle complaining about stuff when he’s had a few too many beers.

Don’t trust a smiling ostrich. It’s almost guaranteed that he’s looking for a way to get you to take him to the movies and, when you get there, pretending he has no money.

Little-known facts about Victorian England: There was a general concern with water being contaminated, so people (rather ingeniously) washed their faces with butter.

What’s the best way to get more dates? One word: Dance like a hillbilly.

A handsome man walks into an expensive restaurant and greets his gorgeous wife who is seated at a table with a beautiful ocean view. The moral of the story: I don’t have a life like this.

If I could have one superhero superpower it would be, of course, hands that always smell like onions.

What did the magician do to get a date with the pretty girl? Asked her out. Also, he made a corned beef sandwich appear from his armpit.

Two guys are walking on the beach and spot two nice-looking women. One guy stops to talk to the women and the other has so much body hair that he is mistaken for a bear.

Kyle couldn’t forget the beautiful ballerina he had dated many years ago. He really missed her, especially her lovely chewing tobacco habit.