Want a job promotion? Offer to play soothing background music on your trombone at the next management meeting. It also helps to wink at the ladies a lot while you’re playing.

Several people in the office seemed to always be getting into arguments about the temperature the thermostat was set at. The issue was thoughtfully resolved by giving each person their own personal cactus to sit on.

Three boys walk into an ice cream shop with their parents. The first boy says, “I want vanilla.” The second boy says, “I want chocolate.” The third boy says, “My high heels are killing me.”

Why was the doctor so worried when he was talking to the patient? He couldn’t remember what he was supposed to pick up at the supermarket on the way home.

What’s worse than being attacked by a shark? A tight perm. Even worse: Being attacked by a shark with a tight perm.

Why was the teenager so upset? He had just discovered the secret to time travel and lost his notes on how to do it. Also, his mom was getting on his case about picking up his room.

There are three things you can do to make sure you have an effective workout: Warm up well, focus on both strength and cardiovascular exercises, and take a nice relaxing nap.

The medical students were intently watching the renowned surgeon perform an incredibly difficult modern dance routine.

Why was everyone so upset in the office? One word: Fred’s exotic cheese sandwich.

A guy walks into an electronics store and a TV falls on his hand. He’s very excited because his new pancake hand enables him to swim faster.

Rupert was a fabulous hair stylist but his clients became somewhat concerned when he introduced his, “Let me cut your hair with eels,” technique.

Why were so many women attracted to the captain of the cruise ship? Because he had abundant sideburns, velour shorts and a tight tank top. Need I say more?

This year’s family reunion was an emotional event because Kyle was the first member of the family to graduate from college. Everyone had tears in their eyes when he walked into the room wearing really tight pants.

Everyone thought that a huge storm was coming but it was only uncle Ralph taking a bath.

The presenter at the business convention asked, “What’s the most interesting thing about being a business person?” A great silence followed the question as the room full of business people stared at each other without being able to come up with a meaningful answer. Then a voice came from the back saying, “Profits.” All was well again and then a ferocious lion burst into the room and ruined the whole thing.