I had this co-worker who was really cranky all the time and didn’t do much work. I finally had to say, “I love you mom but you’re fired.” Needless to say, we’re not dating any longer.

I was kind of drunk at a bar and walked up to this cute girl and started talking to her. Suddenly she looked very uncomfortable and kind of grossed out. The moral of the story: Don’t go to a bar with your pet vulture on your shoulder who, inevitably, is going to pick his teeth and make weird noises when you’re trying to talk to someone.

Be careful about asking a goose to join your rock band. They always insist on singing, playing guitar or both. Not to mention they want to write all the songs when everyone knows they’re best suited to play the trombone but won’t admit it. Then there’s all the honking.

Sometimes I have a hard time walking around in nature because I feel like the birds are giving me weird looks and judging me.

Dating tip: Don’t talk too much and also don’t bring along your pet ferret because he’ll charm your date and steal her away. I know from experience and lets just say me and the ferret aren’t on speaking terms until I get an apology.

I was eating a sandwich and I gasped when I noticed a tooth on my plate. Then I remembered I was eating a tooth sandwich.

I wish cell phones had extension cords for when you need a cell phone with an extension cord.